RIP

I’m in shock.

My Gran Died.

It was expected. I mean she was 84 years old but that didn’t stop me from having this belief that she would somehow be around forever. That she would outlive me.

Sometimes I just go numb. But most of the time I’m angry. Not sad.

I’m angry because she was a stubborn old woman who refused to get any help. I’m angry because the people around her who were supposed to look after her and take care of her did not do their fucking jos properly.

Or maybe they did. I don’t know. And thats the problem. I don’t know because no one ever said anything. I’m angry because I could have done more. I’m angry because I thought I was getting over death and now it seems that I never had a chance.

This week has been full of death for me. A colleague I barely knew died and that was nothing to me. I had brief thoughts about my fathers death but I’ve been expoesed to so much that it didn’t bother me. That’s until you get that phone call. The phone call telling you that the woman you loved and who believed in you and defended your choices has just left you.

I will always have memories and the comfort of knowing that at least someone understood me and genuinely loved me.

Besides feeling angry I also have this guilt. I’ve been so selfish continually obsessing about myself. Its cliched but this death has helped me to realise that life should be lived.
I will attend the funeral tomorrow, wait for the ultimate confrontation post bereavement and then move on. What else can I do…