Apologies and Idiots

Okay.

So I realize that I’ve been coming across as some on the verge suicidal morose freak that has nothing good to add to the blogosphere. And I’m sorry. Well not really. But lately I’ve found myself apologizing for no reason. It seems to do the trick when trying to get people off your back. Or ending an argument. Will try it more often.

So as you can tell I’m currently at the top of this emotional roller coaster and I’m going to try to enjoy it whilst it lasts. I’m actually looking forward to the long weekend. It can only be better than last weekend.

For last long weekend I was in the midlands at this quaint (read: cheap) and cozy (read: small) establishment. It was freezing being a naturally cold-blooded animal that I am but then again I hardly felt the cold using my friend’s body heat to keep me warm. The cold was actually a bonus. Means we spend more time in bed. Things were going fine until the drive on the way back. I guess entering into a comfort zone of euphoria dulls the senses or one’s sensibilities. Issues were raised, voices were raised, things were discovered and I again felt the cold. (Read “frozen”).

But I’ve adopted my new outlook and trying out that apologizing for no reason trick and things are going fine. I think. For now.

Unfortunately unlike the rest of the population some of us have to work the two days during the week. Why didn’t the government just take to of the other unnecessary holidays and use them this week. Makes sense but then again Mr. Mbeki has his head in the sand at the moment so his mind is a bit fuzzed. That’s okay. What with crime, Mugabe and killer cops he has hi plate full.

Which reminds me. Last night I watched Street Kings. It was cheesy but good escapist fun. But there was this seen where the sleepy eyed guy that played Idi Amin goes on about Cops and the fact that they need benefits and how they control the city and so on. Gripping stuff. But it made me think during the post movie critic that I always have with my chums about our own cops on SA and the Corruption that goes on. It made me think about the minister’s remark about shooting to kill. Giving these same incompetent cops license to do such a thing.

I read Peas’ blog about how she was almost smash and grabbed. You forget Durban was the capital of such things. It happened to three of my varsity mates within the same month. I’ve been held up just as many times as the next guy. (What is this coming to when you can ay you have been attacked more than once and that not even seem bizarre?). And I think that the bastards should be castrated but I do not think that our cops (sic) are the people to do it.

Do they even know how to operate guns except to shoot their own families after being discovered for corruption? Can they even decipher what is a suspect? How many of them have caught one? To give these idiots such a huge responsibility is a huge mistake. It encourages vigilantism and stupidity.

But that’s not surprising. SA today is full of idiots.

Frozen

I’m numb.

And not from the icy breeze that’s coming in from the berg.

Although my heart does feel as if its turned to ice. It is frozen.

Its frozen to the exact point when you realize that you are a complete idiot for being a completely caring and trusting person. It’s frozen in that time when realization dawns on you that you are not the center of your spouses limited universe. It’s frozen to that exact point when there is a click in your brain and things start to make sense. Its frozen at that humiliating point when you know you will be just like the dozens before you and submit.

Even though you know better. Even though you are strong- independent even.

It freezes because your own sensibilities have left you, because, like an animal under attack, I have receded into my shell. the shell of my mind. I have frozen in time. To isolate the incident, to dismiss the moment from my conscious and to ignore the niggling in my brain.

I’ve done it before. Can I do it again? I hope so.

Has my ever-constant reliance on my freezing mechanism allowed for an immunity to such devices to develop? Why can I not just thaw out and forget that anything has happened.

I’m frozen and would prefer to stay that way. But the fire in my heart is burning. It is melting me from within. It is a trojan horse with in me. I am under siege.

And it’s an angry flame.

Grin…

Grin…

Why am I so happy? Well what’s the one thing that can make you smile no matter what? It works for me every time.

Any guesses? Well, I got laid.

And it was nice. Better than nice in fact. Was fantastic. Been a while.

Grin.

Will be in the midlands this weekend freezing my ass off but doing it in rustic style. Details Tuesday.

definition of a mid-life crisis

I sometimes wonder if it’s all really worth it. Love that is.

Why do we humans pit ourselves through such complicated mating rituals? Can’t we just take our cue from the animals? Meet, sniff, copulate then go about your own business. A bit over simplified but you get my drift…

So why the sudden case of the blues? I don’t know. I think I’m going through what I call a “silent depression”. I commented on this to a so-called friend of mine and she scoffed saying I was too young to be going through a mid life crisis.

I pondered over this after a few lagers and it came to me that she just might be right. Things are always a bit clearer after a few lagers. Not the too young part but the mid life crisis. All the symptoms are there. The randyness, the delusion of attractiveness and style, the imaginary receding hairline and the drive to be engaging in coital passions with more than one person.

I’m not looking for a relationship. I feel stifled in the one I am in now. No- not stifled. Bored. I’m looking for ways to get out but I don’t know if I want to.

I don’t think it’s a mid life crisis because if you look at it the only thing that determines a mid life crisis is age. Take that out and such behaviour can be viewed as normal.
That’s what I think.

That’s just me. Leez.

Stay Tuned

I’m pissed…

And no, that’s not a statement to get you to sit up and pay attention to what I’m saying but a truly honest emotion.

Why? I hear all my non-existent readers asking. Life.

Yes that unavoidable thing we have to do every morning when we wake up. That anomaly full of unwanted surprises and trials that contribute towards the mirage of a so-called existence. Life. It sucks but what else would we be doing everyday?

I am a 22-year-old male trying to survive in that sleepy town called Durban. I intend for this to a sort of cathartic experience for me, where I just air my opinions. My opinions. Which makes it neither right nor wrong but just Leez.

That’s my name by the way.