Frozen

I’m numb.

And not from the icy breeze that’s coming in from the berg.

Although my heart does feel as if its turned to ice. It is frozen.

Its frozen to the exact point when you realize that you are a complete idiot for being a completely caring and trusting person. It’s frozen in that time when realization dawns on you that you are not the center of your spouses limited universe. It’s frozen to that exact point when there is a click in your brain and things start to make sense. Its frozen at that humiliating point when you know you will be just like the dozens before you and submit.

Even though you know better. Even though you are strong- independent even.

It freezes because your own sensibilities have left you, because, like an animal under attack, I have receded into my shell. the shell of my mind. I have frozen in time. To isolate the incident, to dismiss the moment from my conscious and to ignore the niggling in my brain.

I’ve done it before. Can I do it again? I hope so.

Has my ever-constant reliance on my freezing mechanism allowed for an immunity to such devices to develop? Why can I not just thaw out and forget that anything has happened.

I’m frozen and would prefer to stay that way. But the fire in my heart is burning. It is melting me from within. It is a trojan horse with in me. I am under siege.

And it’s an angry flame.